Friday, March 29, 2013
Resurrection
I'm glad that season of grief is over. And now I think it's time to resurrect this blog. I crafted this title "Resurrection" weeks ago when I first drafted this post. I didn't mean for the issuing of this to fall on Easter weekend, but I think it's cool that it has.
I've thought a lot about what to write about. We have definitely bounced back from where we were a few years ago. We now have three blessings in total: Izzy (age 4), Addie (age 2) and Jonah (age 7 months). Life.is.busy. I'm not sure "busy" is actually a word that is up to the challenge of describing what it is like to have three kids under age five. Crazy. Chaotic. Joyful. Comical. Exhausting. Deepening.
I have grown incredibly since becoming a mom. It has brought me to my knees. That's a phrase I have a new understanding of because I truly could not get through this without God's good help and merciful grace!
I hope I can share some of this adventure and, in doing so, bless someone out there in the blogopshere. Is that a real word? More to come soon.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
This Woman’s Work, a Reflection
I first heard this Kate Bush song during the Kevin Bacon movie "She's Having a Baby". It's a pretty comical movie and then it turns serious when Elizabeth has complications during labor. Kevin's character is tormented with the "what if's" of life. Wikipedia describes the lyrics as being about being forced to suddenly confront reality and adulthood in times of crisis. The song, and the scene in the movie (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MZWrEfB_VM) are both tear-jerking to say the least. I can't imagine getting to that point of pregnancy and worrying about the health of the baby and the wife…and feeling so helpless.
Sometimes I feel guilty or not normal for grieving Abigail (sorry, Abby) because she was just 6 weeks post-conception. But our little girl had a heartbeat. Just before our first appointment, I read about her forming elbowsJ. Being pregnant brings such joyful anticipation, and of course anxiety. But we were at a point where anxiety had turned to mostly joy. And when I looked at that monitor, and saw her heart failing….well, there aren't words for it. But I just tried to make the doctor feel better, "Oh it's okay. Well, thanks for your time. When is our next appointment then?" I could hardly look at Jeff because I didn't want to lose it.
And then later, when the bleeding started, and went on and on and on. And there's no one to tell the details to—it's not exactly socially acceptable. Every day I felt so alone in it all.
And I had no idea how other women have felt. And I am so sorry for not comforting them the way that I should have done. The saint in my life, my friend Shannon, was the one that dropped what she was doing and came over to cheer me up. Her words on the phone were that she "would dress up in a costume and dance around the living room" if it would help…haha. (it was near Halloween!). She came over with her son and made healthy homemade pizzas without expecting any help from me.
One of the worst parts is that I know a lot of people think that the baby is just a "fetus". They think I've lost no more than a piece of tissue…like a kidney stone or something like that. Of course, they know I lost all my hopes for that baby as well. But I wish they all knew that we lost Abby. We lost a seat at the dining room table that I was ready for her to fill. We lost Izzy's sister (or brother, who knows).
There are so many blessings in our life, which I truly cannot count. But despite those blessings, I think I'm allowed to feel grief for this…and for all the fears that go along with anticipating and hoping for another pregnancy. I can do all I want to get my body ready and healthy, but it won't change what happened- nor will it necessarily prevent it from happening again (60% of miscarriages are just faulty sperm). It comes with so much worry- to which I was so naïve before this loss.
This song just reminds me that God is with us in our coping. It reminds me of the prayers Jeff and I said each night to God for Abby while she still had a bit of a heartbeat and there was still a bit of hope ("I know you have a little life in you yet"). The song in its entirety reminds me that I should let myself grieve, but I just can't sometimes—whether it's due to social pressure, fear that I won't stop crying and I have a lot of things to do (as shallow as it sounds), or whether I'll be taking something away from the people who have had such greater and more tragic losses in life. But I read somewhere that God lets us grieve in spurts, or we would just be too overwhelmed—maybe that's what this is.
One part of this song in particular gives me hope, contentment, peace in my heart and a feeling of being close to Abby: "Give me that little kiss, Give me your hand." I can see those little fingers and imagine kissing that little forehead. I know I won't here on earth, but there are hands all around us needing to be held and kisses that we shouldn't hold back. I'm going to go hold some hands and give away some kisses (probably not to strangers or anything like that, but you get my drift). I love you, Abby—and I won't ever forget you, my BABY, my angel in heaven. I can promise you that.
Pray God you can cope.
I stand outside this woman's work,
This woman's world.
Ooh, it's hard on the man,
Now his part is over.
Now starts the craft of the father.
(I know you have a little life in you yet,
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.)
I should be crying but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things I should've (would've) said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've (would've) done,
Though we never did.
All the things I should've (would've) given,
But I didn't.
Ohhhhh…..darling…..make it go away.
Just make it go away now…
Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand.
(I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.)
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking.
Of all the things we should've said,
That we never said.
All the things we should've done,
Though we never did.
All the things that you needed from me.
All that things that you wanted for me.
All that things that I should have given,
But I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go away.
Just make it go away now.
~This Woman's Work, by Kate Bush
Friday, December 4, 2009
NCSS: The update
She should be getting 2-3 hours of naps per day, in the form of 1-2 naps. She actually gets about 2 1/2 hours of naps-- usually in the form of one nap, but sometimes with a later afternoon catnap in the car.
She should be getting 11 1/2 - 12 hours of nighttime sleep, but my little girl prefers 10-11-- oh well. I think she's starting to grow out of this and get a little more though.
Total sleep should be 13 -14 hours a day and she averages about 12 hours 45 minutes. That's pretty good.
Overall doing this has made me realize that she's getting more sleep than I thought she was. I noticed that on days that she was short on rest, she would make up for it the next day with a longer nap or less nighttime wakeups.
Now...Post Thanksgiving is another story!!! She's fairly regular but everyother bedtime she is up for at least an hour longer than I expected (this includes naps). I suspect she's settling back into her 8pm bedtime, though (yay!). Seems our out of town trip just threw her off her schedule.
The other thing is that her morning nap has been occurring closing to afternoon! Yesterday I was ready to pull my hair out. But as I rocked her upstairs, and she tried to stick her finger in my nostril, I thought, "maybe she can at least have some play time in her crib and I can get a ten minute quiet time for myself". So I put her down with her blankie and paci. She looked up at me and didn't even whimper as I left the room. I heard her on the monitor talking to herself for a bit. It wasn't necessariily a happy-go-luck chat, but she was not in distress or crying. It lasted a minute or two and then Silence! She feel asleep all on her own. I was so happy! She wasn't scared of her crib or being in there by herself! This gives me hope that our variation of the No-Cry Sleep Solution is producing some good, cry-free results.
As the nighttime wakeups become fewer, I want to wear her more during the day, or start some cuddle/book time. I want to be sure that her baby "love cup" is getting filled everyday-- even though the midnight snuggles/rocks are lessening.
Not sure what my next step is in the sleep routine stuff. I'm content for now and she is well-rested. Right now I'm preparing for her next dietary change away from infant formula. This will be a little adjustment for her. Once we experiment with this for a couple weeks, I think I'll do another sleep log. The next goal will be to do bedtimes without a full bottle. But I'm not in a rush. I am trying to simulate breast-feeding as best as a formula-feeding mom can do. And breast-fed babes continue on with some nursing after age one.
Now I must go post my nutrition thoughts for Izzy! It will be on a separate blog titled "Sleepless Mom Feeds". :)
A side note on our mileage...I truly am Speechless today
From the news….
“Some officials have accused Berriz (McKinley President and CEO) of being motivated in his anti-millage efforts by the additional taxes it would have cost McKinley. Berriz told AnnArbor.com today that he didn't immediately know the taxable value of McKinley's properties in Washtenaw County and what the tax hike would have cost the company per year. Reached by cell phone, Berriz was on a Florida business trip, but said he could look those numbers up when he returned.
What kind of CEO would have no idea how a proposed mileage would affect his company's bottom line?
On a postive note- there is something we all can do. We can donate to the Ann Arbor Public Schools education foundatin. They suggest paying what you would have paid if the mileage had passed (i.e. $10 a month). I say donate what you can or want to. Click here for more info on donating to the foundation. And pass this on to friends and family who care about our children, their futures and our schools.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Dinner Tonight... well, last night
So, we are re-visiting our favorite healthy recipes. Last night it was Dal Tacos from Vegetarian Times magazine. These are SO tasty. Just be sure to use whole lentils. The split red cooked in half the time and I had way too much water left. Also, I added a bit of sugar and lemon to the yogurt sauce, skipping the mint altogether. Lastly, we always skip the bean sprouts, but that's just our taste. Enjoy.
Indian Dal Tacos
Alternative to the everyday veggie bean taco!
Ingredients
1/2 cup Diced onion
3/4 tsp. Ground cumin
1/4 tsp. Plus 1/8 tsp. turmeric
1/2 tsp. Plus 1/8 tsp. salt, divided
1/4 tsp. Ground black pepper
2/3 cup Yellow split lentils, sorted, rinsed, and drained
1/2 cup Plain low-fat Greek yogurt
1/3 cup Diced cucumber
1 tbs. Freshly chopped mint
4 6-inch corn or flour tortillas, warmed
1 cup Thinly sliced fresh spinach
1 cup Mung bean sprouts
Preparation
1, Heat nonstick skillet over medium-high heat, and coat with cooking spray. Add onion, and cook 5 minutes, or until softened and starting to brown. Stir in cumin, turmeric, 1/2 tsp. salt, and pepper. Add lentils and 2 1/2 cups water. Bring to a boil, cover, and reduce heat to medium-low. Simmer 40 minutes, or until lentils are cooked but still hold their shape. There will be 1 to 2 Tbs. liquid left in pan.
2. Meanwhile, combine yogurt, cucumber, mint, and remaining 1/8 tsp. salt in bowl.
3. Fill tortillas with spinach, bean sprouts, and lentil mixture. Drizzle with yogurt mixture or serve on side.
Cook's Notes
Yellow lentils or dal can be found in Indian markets, but orange or brown lentils can also be used here.
Makes 4 Servings
Nutrient Info per serving
Calories: 213
Total Fat: 1.5
Carbohydrates: 38
Protein: 14
Sodium: 393
Fiber: 3
NCSS More Sleep Logs and a Lapse
So I'll post the ones I could recall here. I'm debating adding two days to the log for missed days-- but I don't think I'll be that rigid about it. I'll just do better. Hey, this is a miracle...I'm forsaking cooking, cleaning, laundry and rest to post this here. So I'm happy with that.
By the way, you can double-click on a log page to view it up close. I changed the formatting a bit...sorry, like I said...a wee bit disorganized (but gettting better!).
Thursday, November 12, 2009
No-Cry Sleep Solution
Here's what Day 1 looked like: