This Woman’s Work, a Reflection

I first heard this Kate Bush song during the Kevin Bacon movie "She's Having a Baby". It's a pretty comical movie and then it turns serious when Elizabeth has complications during labor. Kevin's character is tormented with the "what if's" of life. Wikipedia describes the lyrics as being about being forced to suddenly confront reality and adulthood in times of crisis. The song, and the scene in the movie (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MZWrEfB_VM) are both tear-jerking to say the least. I can't imagine getting to that point of pregnancy and worrying about the health of the baby and the wife…and feeling so helpless.

Sometimes I feel guilty or not normal for grieving Abigail (sorry, Abby) because she was just 6 weeks post-conception. But our little girl had a heartbeat. Just before our first appointment, I read about her forming elbowsJ. Being pregnant brings such joyful anticipation, and of course anxiety. But we were at a point where anxiety had turned to mostly joy. And when I looked at that monitor, and saw her heart failing….well, there aren't words for it. But I just tried to make the doctor feel better, "Oh it's okay. Well, thanks for your time. When is our next appointment then?" I could hardly look at Jeff because I didn't want to lose it.

And then later, when the bleeding started, and went on and on and on. And there's no one to tell the details to—it's not exactly socially acceptable. Every day I felt so alone in it all.

And I had no idea how other women have felt. And I am so sorry for not comforting them the way that I should have done. The saint in my life, my friend Shannon, was the one that dropped what she was doing and came over to cheer me up. Her words on the phone were that she "would dress up in a costume and dance around the living room" if it would help…haha. (it was near Halloween!). She came over with her son and made healthy homemade pizzas without expecting any help from me.

One of the worst parts is that I know a lot of people think that the baby is just a "fetus". They think I've lost no more than a piece of tissue…like a kidney stone or something like that. Of course, they know I lost all my hopes for that baby as well. But I wish they all knew that we lost Abby. We lost a seat at the dining room table that I was ready for her to fill. We lost Izzy's sister (or brother, who knows).

There are so many blessings in our life, which I truly cannot count. But despite those blessings, I think I'm allowed to feel grief for this…and for all the fears that go along with anticipating and hoping for another pregnancy. I can do all I want to get my body ready and healthy, but it won't change what happened- nor will it necessarily prevent it from happening again (60% of miscarriages are just faulty sperm). It comes with so much worry- to which I was so naïve before this loss.

This song just reminds me that God is with us in our coping. It reminds me of the prayers Jeff and I said each night to God for Abby while she still had a bit of a heartbeat and there was still a bit of hope ("I know you have a little life in you yet"). The song in its entirety reminds me that I should let myself grieve, but I just can't sometimes—whether it's due to social pressure, fear that I won't stop crying and I have a lot of things to do (as shallow as it sounds), or whether I'll be taking something away from the people who have had such greater and more tragic losses in life. But I read somewhere that God lets us grieve in spurts, or we would just be too overwhelmed—maybe that's what this is.

One part of this song in particular gives me hope, contentment, peace in my heart and a feeling of being close to Abby: "Give me that little kiss, Give me your hand." I can see those little fingers and imagine kissing that little forehead. I know I won't here on earth, but there are hands all around us needing to be held and kisses that we shouldn't hold back. I'm going to go hold some hands and give away some kisses (probably not to strangers or anything like that, but you get my drift). I love you, Abby—and I won't ever forget you, my BABY, my angel in heaven. I can promise you that.

Pray God you can cope.

I stand outside this woman's work,

This woman's world.

Ooh, it's hard on the man,

Now his part is over.

Now starts the craft of the father.

(I know you have a little life in you yet,

I know you have a lot of strength left.

I know you have a little life in you yet.

I know you have a lot of strength left.)

I should be crying but I just can't let it show.

I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things I should've (would've) said,

That I never said.

All the things we should've (would've) done,

Though we never did.

All the things I should've (would've) given,

But I didn't.

Ohhhhh…..darling…..make it go away.

Just make it go away now…

Give me these moments back.

Give them back to me.

Give me that little kiss.

Give me your hand.

(I know you have a little life in you yet.

I know you have a lot of strength left.

I know you have a little life in you yet.

I know you have a lot of strength left.)

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.

I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking.

Of all the things we should've said,

That we never said.

All the things we should've done,

Though we never did.

All the things that you needed from me.

All that things that you wanted for me.

All that things that I should have given,

But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go away.

Just make it go away now.

~This Woman's Work, by Kate Bush

NCSS: The update

So I fell off the wagon again- sort of.  I stopped keeping track when her naps and bedtime seemed completely predictable.  Okay, we never got to "predictable" with nap- but I have hope.  So, even with my spotty record-keeping, here are the "pre-Thanksgiving" figures.

She should be getting 2-3 hours of naps per day, in the form of 1-2 naps.  She actually gets about 2 1/2 hours of naps-- usually in the form of one nap, but sometimes with a later afternoon catnap in the car.

She should be getting 11 1/2 - 12 hours of nighttime sleep, but my little girl prefers 10-11-- oh well.  I think she's starting to grow out of this and get a little more though. 

Total sleep should be 13 -14 hours a day and she averages about 12 hours 45 minutes.  That's pretty good.

Overall doing this has made me realize that she's getting more sleep than I thought she was.  I noticed that on days that she was short on rest, she would make up for it the next day with a longer nap or less nighttime wakeups. 

Now...Post Thanksgiving is another story!!!  She's fairly regular but everyother bedtime she is up for at least an hour longer than I expected (this includes naps).  I suspect she's settling back into her 8pm bedtime, though (yay!).  Seems our out of town trip just threw her off her schedule.

The other thing is that her morning nap has been occurring closing to afternoon!  Yesterday I was ready to pull my hair out.  But as I rocked her upstairs, and she tried to stick her finger in my nostril, I thought, "maybe she can at least have some play time in her crib and I can get a ten minute quiet time for myself".  So I put her down with her blankie and paci.  She looked up at me and didn't even whimper as I left the room.  I heard her on the monitor talking to herself for a bit.  It wasn't necessariily a happy-go-luck chat, but she was not in distress or crying.  It lasted a minute or two and then Silence!  She feel asleep all on her own.  I was so happy!  She wasn't scared of her crib or being in there by herself!  This gives me hope that our variation of the No-Cry Sleep Solution is producing some good, cry-free results. 

As the nighttime wakeups become fewer, I want to wear her more during the day, or start some cuddle/book time.  I want to be sure that her baby "love cup" is getting filled everyday-- even though the midnight snuggles/rocks are lessening.

Not sure what my next step is in the sleep routine stuff.  I'm content for now and she is well-rested.  Right now I'm preparing for her next dietary change away from infant formula.  This will be a little adjustment for her.  Once we experiment with this for a couple weeks, I think I'll do another sleep log.  The next goal will be to do bedtimes without a full bottle.  But I'm not in a rush.  I am trying to simulate breast-feeding as best as a formula-feeding mom can do.  And breast-fed babes continue on with some nursing after age one. 

Now I must go post my nutrition thoughts for Izzy!  It will be on a separate blog titled "Sleepless Mom Feeds".  :)

A side note on our mileage...I truly am Speechless today

I was really perplexed when the mileage didn’t pass. I couldn’t figure out why there was such a strong campaign against funding our children’s schools—after the State of Michigan had cut hundred of dollars in funding per student. Now I know. McKinley basically bought the election—with their insane campaigning efforts to lemmings who don’t think for themselves and take the time to realize that helping our schools would have cost $10 a month. McKinley spent $100k, the teachers union, $3k. Advertising bucks decided the fate of Washtenaw County Schools. .


From the news….

“Some officials have accused Berriz (McKinley President and CEO) of being motivated in his anti-millage efforts by the additional taxes it would have cost McKinley. Berriz told AnnArbor.com today that he didn't immediately know the taxable value of McKinley's properties in Washtenaw County and what the tax hike would have cost the company per year. Reached by cell phone, Berriz was on a Florida business trip, but said he could look those numbers up when he returned.

What kind of CEO would have no idea how a proposed mileage would affect his company's bottom line? 

On a postive note- there is something we all can do.  We can donate to the Ann Arbor Public Schools education foundatin.  They suggest paying what you would have paid if the mileage had passed (i.e. $10 a month). I say donate what you can or want to.  Click here for more info on donating to the foundation. And pass this on to friends and family who care about our children, their futures and our schools.