Today, I needed a wee little "mommy break", which I probably don't take often enough. Going to the bookstore, browsing and reading my "Attachement Theory" parenting book sounded attractive. So I headed over to the Borders near us (which unfortunately is one of few area bookstores that never feels "cozy"). I ordered a medium Vanilla Latte from Seattle's Best coffee shop there. It was decaf, of course, as I have been too anxious lately to go full throttle on the coffee. Decaf is my friend. So I grabbed the latte from one of the friendliest baristas ever-- top notch service! Then after appreciating that a minimum wage employee would put so much care into her job, I wandered through the books.
I laughed at the "Book of Useless Information" book that my husband got for Christmas that he read in a one week session. (Laughed in part b/c he read most of it aloud and there was seldom a moment that week when I didn't hear about things such as Heinz 57 refers to Heinz's original 57 varieties of pickles:) I love that info too, but in slightly smaller doses than he enjoys. I checked out some books that claimed to have info on how to easily make sushi at home. After perusing through several I decided it would never be easy and I best wait until I have more free time to take on the task. In other words, let me master having a homemade easy to moderate level meal on the table each night.
Then it caught my eye. The section that I should always skip during my mommy-free time. You guessed it. The parenting section. I was really looking for a book on developmental play for babies six months and up. I didn't find anything but did stumble upon something that initially looked promising. It mentioned making the most of certain times of the day with baby...lunch, naptime, etc. I assumed it was fun ways to help them learn new things, etc. I sat down with my little latte and started reading.
My anxiety level first increased when I read that the book wanted me to teach my six month old to be a morally repsonsible human being. Huh? Even the Catholic church doesn't have kids go to confession until they are in the first grade. What was this author talking about? Well, Mr. Ezzo was talking about scheduled feedings (3 a day and a bottle at night), and scheduled playpen time each day, and scheduled family time each day. Scheduled family time? Who else is my six month old going to hang out with? Does she need that much alone time at her age? Does she need to pencil me in to her busy schedule. Don't get me wrong...of course, she plays by herself, but I'm always near to give her the security she needs to try all these fun new things.
This book thoroughly disturbed me. I kept reading it though, thinking perhaps there was some sense in it-- some wisdom. He mentioned that a happy marriage leads to well-adjusted kids. Okay, I was with him on that. He mentioned that family prayer is good...but at the three scheduled mealtimes of course. (Huh?) What happened to "pray without ceasing?" Izzy and I pray during bathtime! None of the remotely planted seeds of wisdom could make up for what I had already read. It sounded militaristic in its view. Was it time to send my baby off to basic training? Is she old enough that I should stop responding to her needs?
Well, that was anxiety-provoking enough (even though I was drinking decaf coffee) to have me put the book down and leave the store. I thought, I need to get home to my daughter to give her my LOVE before this man talks me out of it! I just wanted to hold her. I later reflected that I somehow must have felt that this Ezzo-man(iac) was going to beat me home and take her away like they do to the kids on the ridiculous show Jerry Springer.
I still was calm enough to stop at the grocery for dinner, though. Then came home to find my husband changing one of her stinkiest dipes ever (gotta love the girl, she seems to always hold onto those ones until it's daddy's turn to change her). Once everything was "de-pooped", Jeff laid down for a nap and Izzy and I played on the floor.
I confess that I half-played b/c my right arm was googling Ezzo while my left was handing her a toy to play with. What I read, from Christian and secular writers alike, was a universal understanding that his approach lacks compassion. Oh, also that he was excommunicated from his church for refusing to follow the elders and then slandering them publicly. It also mentioned he was somewhat estranged from his two adult daughters (really? go figure!).
It all reminded me of one of the father figures in my life. As soon as I was old enough I ran as far away as I could from him. He was good-intentioned, I don't doubt, in his efforts to "train" us well in school and proper behavior. But he left out love. We very clearly never felt loved by him, and we in fact feared him most of the time (as did my friends!) Maybe his parents used Mr. Ezzo's Babywise to raise him, I'm not sure. I have and am working out forgiveness toward him, and working to heal the wounds his messages taught me over the years of not being good enough, or smart, or worthy of love-- unless I was perfect in a task.
But in the meantime, I am going to remember those anti-lessons that he and Mr. Ezzo'S Babywise taught. In experiencing their views and seeing the wrong in them, I've learned to love my child. And I always will, Isabelle. And I will forgive your mistakes, and ask you to forgive mine. And I will hug you. And I will not ask you to be perfect. I will let you explore and learn new things on your own, with my steady hand to guide you if you falter. Dad and I will always be here for you. As your loving grandparents always remind us, we will tell you often, "YOU ARE LOVED."
