This Woman’s Work, a Reflection

I first heard this Kate Bush song during the Kevin Bacon movie "She's Having a Baby". It's a pretty comical movie and then it turns serious when Elizabeth has complications during labor. Kevin's character is tormented with the "what if's" of life. Wikipedia describes the lyrics as being about being forced to suddenly confront reality and adulthood in times of crisis. The song, and the scene in the movie (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MZWrEfB_VM) are both tear-jerking to say the least. I can't imagine getting to that point of pregnancy and worrying about the health of the baby and the wife…and feeling so helpless.

Sometimes I feel guilty or not normal for grieving Abigail (sorry, Abby) because she was just 6 weeks post-conception. But our little girl had a heartbeat. Just before our first appointment, I read about her forming elbowsJ. Being pregnant brings such joyful anticipation, and of course anxiety. But we were at a point where anxiety had turned to mostly joy. And when I looked at that monitor, and saw her heart failing….well, there aren't words for it. But I just tried to make the doctor feel better, "Oh it's okay. Well, thanks for your time. When is our next appointment then?" I could hardly look at Jeff because I didn't want to lose it.

And then later, when the bleeding started, and went on and on and on. And there's no one to tell the details to—it's not exactly socially acceptable. Every day I felt so alone in it all.

And I had no idea how other women have felt. And I am so sorry for not comforting them the way that I should have done. The saint in my life, my friend Shannon, was the one that dropped what she was doing and came over to cheer me up. Her words on the phone were that she "would dress up in a costume and dance around the living room" if it would help…haha. (it was near Halloween!). She came over with her son and made healthy homemade pizzas without expecting any help from me.

One of the worst parts is that I know a lot of people think that the baby is just a "fetus". They think I've lost no more than a piece of tissue…like a kidney stone or something like that. Of course, they know I lost all my hopes for that baby as well. But I wish they all knew that we lost Abby. We lost a seat at the dining room table that I was ready for her to fill. We lost Izzy's sister (or brother, who knows).

There are so many blessings in our life, which I truly cannot count. But despite those blessings, I think I'm allowed to feel grief for this…and for all the fears that go along with anticipating and hoping for another pregnancy. I can do all I want to get my body ready and healthy, but it won't change what happened- nor will it necessarily prevent it from happening again (60% of miscarriages are just faulty sperm). It comes with so much worry- to which I was so naïve before this loss.

This song just reminds me that God is with us in our coping. It reminds me of the prayers Jeff and I said each night to God for Abby while she still had a bit of a heartbeat and there was still a bit of hope ("I know you have a little life in you yet"). The song in its entirety reminds me that I should let myself grieve, but I just can't sometimes—whether it's due to social pressure, fear that I won't stop crying and I have a lot of things to do (as shallow as it sounds), or whether I'll be taking something away from the people who have had such greater and more tragic losses in life. But I read somewhere that God lets us grieve in spurts, or we would just be too overwhelmed—maybe that's what this is.

One part of this song in particular gives me hope, contentment, peace in my heart and a feeling of being close to Abby: "Give me that little kiss, Give me your hand." I can see those little fingers and imagine kissing that little forehead. I know I won't here on earth, but there are hands all around us needing to be held and kisses that we shouldn't hold back. I'm going to go hold some hands and give away some kisses (probably not to strangers or anything like that, but you get my drift). I love you, Abby—and I won't ever forget you, my BABY, my angel in heaven. I can promise you that.

Pray God you can cope.

I stand outside this woman's work,

This woman's world.

Ooh, it's hard on the man,

Now his part is over.

Now starts the craft of the father.

(I know you have a little life in you yet,

I know you have a lot of strength left.

I know you have a little life in you yet.

I know you have a lot of strength left.)

I should be crying but I just can't let it show.

I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things I should've (would've) said,

That I never said.

All the things we should've (would've) done,

Though we never did.

All the things I should've (would've) given,

But I didn't.

Ohhhhh…..darling…..make it go away.

Just make it go away now…

Give me these moments back.

Give them back to me.

Give me that little kiss.

Give me your hand.

(I know you have a little life in you yet.

I know you have a lot of strength left.

I know you have a little life in you yet.

I know you have a lot of strength left.)

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.

I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking.

Of all the things we should've said,

That we never said.

All the things we should've done,

Though we never did.

All the things that you needed from me.

All that things that you wanted for me.

All that things that I should have given,

But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go away.

Just make it go away now.

~This Woman's Work, by Kate Bush

NCSS: The update

So I fell off the wagon again- sort of.  I stopped keeping track when her naps and bedtime seemed completely predictable.  Okay, we never got to "predictable" with nap- but I have hope.  So, even with my spotty record-keeping, here are the "pre-Thanksgiving" figures.

She should be getting 2-3 hours of naps per day, in the form of 1-2 naps.  She actually gets about 2 1/2 hours of naps-- usually in the form of one nap, but sometimes with a later afternoon catnap in the car.

She should be getting 11 1/2 - 12 hours of nighttime sleep, but my little girl prefers 10-11-- oh well.  I think she's starting to grow out of this and get a little more though. 

Total sleep should be 13 -14 hours a day and she averages about 12 hours 45 minutes.  That's pretty good.

Overall doing this has made me realize that she's getting more sleep than I thought she was.  I noticed that on days that she was short on rest, she would make up for it the next day with a longer nap or less nighttime wakeups. 

Now...Post Thanksgiving is another story!!!  She's fairly regular but everyother bedtime she is up for at least an hour longer than I expected (this includes naps).  I suspect she's settling back into her 8pm bedtime, though (yay!).  Seems our out of town trip just threw her off her schedule.

The other thing is that her morning nap has been occurring closing to afternoon!  Yesterday I was ready to pull my hair out.  But as I rocked her upstairs, and she tried to stick her finger in my nostril, I thought, "maybe she can at least have some play time in her crib and I can get a ten minute quiet time for myself".  So I put her down with her blankie and paci.  She looked up at me and didn't even whimper as I left the room.  I heard her on the monitor talking to herself for a bit.  It wasn't necessariily a happy-go-luck chat, but she was not in distress or crying.  It lasted a minute or two and then Silence!  She feel asleep all on her own.  I was so happy!  She wasn't scared of her crib or being in there by herself!  This gives me hope that our variation of the No-Cry Sleep Solution is producing some good, cry-free results. 

As the nighttime wakeups become fewer, I want to wear her more during the day, or start some cuddle/book time.  I want to be sure that her baby "love cup" is getting filled everyday-- even though the midnight snuggles/rocks are lessening.

Not sure what my next step is in the sleep routine stuff.  I'm content for now and she is well-rested.  Right now I'm preparing for her next dietary change away from infant formula.  This will be a little adjustment for her.  Once we experiment with this for a couple weeks, I think I'll do another sleep log.  The next goal will be to do bedtimes without a full bottle.  But I'm not in a rush.  I am trying to simulate breast-feeding as best as a formula-feeding mom can do.  And breast-fed babes continue on with some nursing after age one. 

Now I must go post my nutrition thoughts for Izzy!  It will be on a separate blog titled "Sleepless Mom Feeds".  :)

A side note on our mileage...I truly am Speechless today

I was really perplexed when the mileage didn’t pass. I couldn’t figure out why there was such a strong campaign against funding our children’s schools—after the State of Michigan had cut hundred of dollars in funding per student. Now I know. McKinley basically bought the election—with their insane campaigning efforts to lemmings who don’t think for themselves and take the time to realize that helping our schools would have cost $10 a month. McKinley spent $100k, the teachers union, $3k. Advertising bucks decided the fate of Washtenaw County Schools. .


From the news….

“Some officials have accused Berriz (McKinley President and CEO) of being motivated in his anti-millage efforts by the additional taxes it would have cost McKinley. Berriz told AnnArbor.com today that he didn't immediately know the taxable value of McKinley's properties in Washtenaw County and what the tax hike would have cost the company per year. Reached by cell phone, Berriz was on a Florida business trip, but said he could look those numbers up when he returned.

What kind of CEO would have no idea how a proposed mileage would affect his company's bottom line? 

On a postive note- there is something we all can do.  We can donate to the Ann Arbor Public Schools education foundatin.  They suggest paying what you would have paid if the mileage had passed (i.e. $10 a month). I say donate what you can or want to.  Click here for more info on donating to the foundation. And pass this on to friends and family who care about our children, their futures and our schools.

Dinner Tonight... well, last night

Hubby and I are back on the healthy food band wagon.  I have 30 lbs to lose.  He needs to work on his good cholesterol and triglycerides.  We've had success before but have really been lax since IJ was conceived.  All I wanted to eat were grilled cheese and mashed potatoes-- makes for some high calorie carb-loading. 

So, we are re-visiting our favorite healthy recipes.  Last night it was Dal Tacos from Vegetarian Times magazine.  These are SO tasty.  Just be sure to use whole lentils.  The split red cooked in half the time and I had way too much water left.  Also, I added a bit of sugar and lemon to the yogurt sauce, skipping the mint altogether.  Lastly, we always skip the bean sprouts, but that's just our taste.  Enjoy.

Indian Dal Tacos


Alternative to the everyday veggie bean taco!

Ingredients

1/2 cup Diced onion
3/4 tsp. Ground cumin
1/4 tsp. Plus 1/8 tsp. turmeric
1/2 tsp. Plus 1/8 tsp. salt, divided
1/4 tsp. Ground black pepper
2/3 cup Yellow split lentils, sorted, rinsed, and drained
1/2 cup Plain low-fat Greek yogurt
1/3 cup Diced cucumber
1 tbs. Freshly chopped mint
4 6-inch corn or flour tortillas, warmed
1 cup Thinly sliced fresh spinach
1 cup Mung bean sprouts

Preparation

1, Heat nonstick skillet over medium-high heat, and coat with cooking spray. Add onion, and cook 5 minutes, or until softened and starting to brown. Stir in cumin, turmeric, 1/2 tsp. salt, and pepper. Add lentils and 2 1/2 cups water. Bring to a boil, cover, and reduce heat to medium-low. Simmer 40 minutes, or until lentils are cooked but still hold their shape. There will be 1 to 2 Tbs. liquid left in pan.

2. Meanwhile, combine yogurt, cucumber, mint, and remaining 1/8 tsp. salt in bowl.

3. Fill tortillas with spinach, bean sprouts, and lentil mixture. Drizzle with yogurt mixture or serve on side.

Cook's Notes

Yellow lentils or dal can be found in Indian markets, but orange or brown lentils can also be used here.

Makes 4 Servings

Nutrient Info per serving



Calories: 213
Total Fat: 1.5
Carbohydrates: 38
Protein: 14
Sodium: 393
Fiber: 3

NCSS More Sleep Logs and a Lapse

I feel like I did during final weeks of college....like I can't believe I took a few days "vacation" from my work and am now really going to pay for it.  The big difference was that back then I would rely on guesswork and, pardon my french, "B.S.".  But today I've caught up on my missed days of logging, leaving out the ones that are too far away to remember (i.e. the day before yesterday!).

So I'll post the ones I could recall here.  I'm debating adding two days to the log for missed days-- but I don't think I'll be that rigid about it.  I'll just do better.  Hey, this is a miracle...I'm forsaking cooking, cleaning, laundry and rest to post this here.  So I'm happy with that.

By the way, you can double-click on a log page to view it up close.  I changed the formatting a bit...sorry, like I said...a wee bit disorganized (but gettting better!).

 

What I learned over these past four days:

~ I shouldn't skip days...it hurts my brain to try to think back and remember what happened

~ Morning nap time is about 2 hours after wake-up, instead of 3 hrs, if she wakes up for the day before 7 am.

~ It never pays to interupt baby's routine.  When morning nap was delayed due to my late shopping trip, it messed us up for the whole day.  I was so tired!  I'm pondering what to do tomorrow when I have my mom's group from 9-12...argh.  And then there's church too.

Well, four more days left!  Then hubby and I will sit down, evaluate and tweak the routine-- based on Pantley's advice :)  We just started reading more at night, so it will be nice to have time to revisit her suggestions. 

So far, love the bath time/ bed time routine and keeping naps as consistent as possible.

No-Cry Sleep Solution

Two days of logging are complete!  I'm rather proud of myself for sticking to it!  Of course, I have 8 more days to go until the first review and tweaking of the routines.  

Here's what Day 1 looked like: 

You'll have to pardon my photo layout..I'm new to this whole blogging thing and they don't want to go where I want them to go.  As you can see, IJ took one nap which met her "nap quota" for the day.  Then she slept for almost ten hours at night, but she cried in her sleep due to teething-related runny nose, I suspect.  She had one full blown wake up.  We've been following the initial bedtime routine of bath, play and rock/bottle-down after Jeopardy, at 8pm.  I can't seem to get away from the Jeopardy thing-- I think she might think of Alex Trebek as an Uncle when she is older!  I also made some eating/poop notes just to see if digestion is affecting any of this.

Wow was Day 2 different!  Her front tooth is making its way in and all the runny nose that goes with it made it really hard to sleep.  After hearing her cry every hour during hte night of Day 1, I was eagerly awaiting morning nap.  But it came and went as the coughing just didn't allow her to sleep.  The second I laid her down the post-nasal drip began and she was awake in ten minutes, frustrated with her body.  The afternoon nap went the same.  So we put her in the car to go to the store with the expectation that sitting upright would allow her to sleep and she would be asleep in a heartbeat.  No such luck!  That little girl was content as can be, chatting up a storm in the back seat!  She looked like she was recovering from pneumonia as she was so tired, but she was in really good spirits-- even when I made my hubby take a detour home so we could try to spot  Clive Owen filming his new movie, Trusted...or Trust...or something lihe that!  No luck on that front either, but it was neat to see all the tents and the film crew. 

All in all, yesterday was a good reminder about the "best laid plans" and how they go awry sooner or later.  It reminded me that this routine is helpful, but primarily I must meet my daughter where she is.  This is not about controlling her sleep, but setting up the conditions in which to make sleep possible and inviting for her.  It doesn't always mean that she'll welcome the invitation, whether it's due to the latest runny nose, a growth spurt or something I can't even detect. 

I'm looking forward to the next 8 days of logging and the review on Day 10!  I'll keep posting the logs every couple days-- but will probably leave most of the commentary until the Day 10 Tweak.

No-Cry Sleep Solution: Let the Games Begin

So here it goes.  I finally managed to make copies of the sleep/nap/ routine log from the book.  We've been following a rough routine though for the past few days, even with the current events that have been going on.  It's really been a blessing to know about when she will nap, and to make time for that to happen.  I.J. also seems much more rested, and I can more easily determine why is she is cranky at any given time.  Or, I can at least rule out whether it's sleep-related. 

Here's what I've discovered so far, without doing the logs....

~ IJ naps about 3-4 hours after morning wake-up.  That nap lasts 1-2 hours.
~ She eats breakfast about one hour after wakeup (but wakes up with bottle)
~ She likes to play after wakeup from nap/bedtime, before she's willing to sit in high chair to eat
~ Bedtime routine is priceless...dinner, bathtime, crazy play time during Jeopardy and then bottle and rock down-- this has been working like clock-work on most days
~ One day of an "off" day doesn't ruin the routine for the next day.  She seems to recover pretty fast, but we try not to make a habit of it.

We've had a couple days where we just couldn't do the routine.  For instance yesterday she napped for just an hour in the morning, as I suspect her teething or poopy dipe woke her up.  She wasn't interested in going back to sleep.  Then she didn't take an afternoon nap until the drive home from the doctor's office -- which was at 5pm.  She ended up sleeping all night though.  That was great!  In fact, a few days I've gotten up before her.  But she's had at least one nighttime wakeup-- but that's an incredible improvement from where we were at the day we started the book and the routines.

I just want to add a disclaimer that this is not "sleep training".  We always go to her when she cries and comfort her back to sleep.  I'm not completely against letting her sleep with us if she's have a sick or needy day for whatever reason- but I don't want it to be the habit so that we can all sleep well and be happy and healthy.  Trying to fill her up on quality mommy time during the day is what I think will help with this.  It's hard to stop and hold her tons during the day and still keep a clean house- but my goal is to do that.  Yesterday we had uninterrupted play time and it was really nice- and more important than any stinkin' dishes in the sink.  Eventually, it will be good for her to be able to go to sleep without the bottle.  My plan is to start working on that around 13 months or a little sooner.  Pantley has the "Gentle Removal Plan" that you use to help littles learn to sleep without bottle, breast or paci.  But first things first!

Darn, I forgot to turn on the baby monitor and I think I hear her crying.  Well, that's one way to extend nap times!  Oops!  Better go get my baby :)

Tomorrow I'll post the first official log page!

(p.s.  Sorry for any grammatical errors, but if I'm going to be faithful in writing, many days I just don't have the time for proofreading.  Maybe someday I'll evolve to that level.)

Glory Baby

Today we went for our follow-up appointment.  No heartbeat at all.  She has passed on straight to heaven (can we blame her?).  We left the doctor's office with lots of hope, though.  He did tell us that at my age (over 35) 40-50% of pregnancies will result in miscarriage...ouch.  So, DH (dear Husband) and I decided not to wait.  We had Izzy a year earlier in a race against endo and time, and we have no regrets.  Last week was hard.  This weekend was easier.  And now, being home after the doctors appt, is hard again.  I keep trying to focus on the fact that we have an angel in heaven, watching out for us.  Praying for us.  The doctor said that the first two cycles after a miscarriage are the most fertile.  He said that there's a scientific reason but he feels there may be a spiritual one as well-- a little baby in heaven asking God to cheer up her mom and dad.  And a God who can't say no to such a sweet little angel.  I love that idea. 

Here's a rather uplifting song about a miscarriage.  I consider it a nice tribute to Abigail, Abby.  So I posted it here along with the lyrics.  The video isn't the highest quality, but you can also buy the single on Itunes.

If anyone else is reading this who has had a miscarriage, blessings and healing to you.  We feel your pain.  

Glory Baby by Watermark (click to listen on Youtube)

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..

You were growing, what happened dear?

You disappeared on us baby…baby..

Heaven will hold you before we do

Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…

Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday

Miss you in every way

But we know there’s a

day when we will hold you

We will hold you

You’ll kiss our tears away

When we’re home to stay

Can’t wait for the day when we will see you

We will see you

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you

‘till mom and dad can hold you…

You’ll just have heaven before we do

You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to

understand it ‘cause we’re hurting

We are hurting

But there is healing

And we know we’re stronger people through the growing

And in knowing-

That all things work together for our good

And God works His purposes just like He said He would…

Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies

and what they must sound like

But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home

And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Rest in peace Abby.  We will love you always and hold you close to our hearts, our little angel in heaven.

So Sad

Wow.  I remember talking to a friend who had a miscarriage.  She said she never thought she would ever feel so sad about such a loss.  I'm glad I heard that because today it hit me like a semi-truck.  It was just lingering in the background until I bumped into a woman from my lactation support group from when DD was born.  I came home from the grocery store and started crying because I couldn't find my cell phone.  And I couldn't stop crying.  Hubby helped me put DD to bed and then he and I laid down.  I cried, he rubbed my back, and the two of us fell asleep. 

It feels like we've lost a family member...along with all of our hopes and dreams for that person. 

We didn't plan on getting pregnant so soon after DD.  It would have been a challenge.  But it was one I couldn't wait to take on.  I was looking forward to sorting through old baby clothes, moving the co-sleeper back into our bedroom, and fixing up the guest room to eventually welcome our new lifetime guest.  I had some remorse over things that I didn't get to do before having another baby.  For instance, I wanted to lose all that old baby weight, have a couple drinks with friends, eat some sushi, work on the house, go on vacation, etc.  Most of those little wishes weren't mutually exclusive with having a baby.  Some would just need postponement.  Today, they all feel like stupid insignificant aspirations that were being postponed by something grander. 

Maybe we wouldn't have been able to handle two young kids, so close in age.  Maybe it would have been a financial stress.  Maybe.  But who knows.  Perhaps it was what the doctor described it as... "Not a waste of time".  "A genetic thing that we can't control". All I know is that I still hang on his words that reassured us and made me so thankful I had returned to a Christian medical practice, "You will see your baby one day in heaven". 

He also mentioned that we would feel loss and we will mourn.  So I'm not sure why I'm so surprised.  I mourn the dreams I had.  The rocking, the holding, the loving that I won't get to do with Abigail. 

I just wish, like a child, that I could just feel better right now.  It sucks being sad.  I need to go look up the stages of grief and miscarriage support groups.  I doubt it will speed things along..but at least a group would help me from burying all this sadness and having it crop up later.  And looking stuff up on the computer makes me feel like I'm doing "something".  Maybe it's avoidance.  Maybe.  Wish this mourning stuff were more neat and orderly.  Wish so much that Abigail were here.  Today was the first day that I prayed to God for a miracle-- that we would go into the dr's office on Monday and the heartbeat would be as strong as ever.  Then I would get to nurture this baby in my womb and hug her so tight once she was born.  If it was a "he" we could make his middle name Lazurus.  But there aren't many Lazurus stories.  There are many more of God comforting us in our sorrow.  That reminds me of what Jesus did when he heard that Lazurus had died, and befored he raised him from the dead.  One of the most powerful lines of scripture:  Jesus wept.  There's not much else to add to it.  He wept.  And in doing so he reminded us for all eternity that God weeps with us.  He does not rejoice in our sorrow, or ask us to mask it.  He weeps.  And we are made in His perfect image.  So it is right that we cry too.

John 11:33-36 (New International Version)


33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.
34 "Where have you laid him?" he asked.
"Come and see, Lord," they replied.
35 Jesus wept.
36 Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"

God's Promises

I just read a nice phrase that I found in, of all things, a Christmas catalog.  It reads, "God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain.  But He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for the way."

That's good to know.  Today we went to the doctor's and discovered that our little Abby-Jo has decided not to stay with us.  Or perhaps God decided for her.  The doctor called it "genetics" and said there's nothing we can do about it.  I knew the second I saw the ultrasound screen.  My eyes combed it for that magical little heartbeat that I was so amazed to see with our first little girl.  Our eyes filled with tears when we heard that first heartbeat.  Today our eyes filled with tears for another reason.  The heartbeat was incredibly slow, almost undetectable, and Abby was small...too small...even for someone who is supposed to only be the size of a kidney bean right now. 

So, it looks as if she is leaving us.  And we are incredibly sad. 

All the other goals can wait.  So can the nap routine.  Right now, we just need to say goodbye.

The No-Cry Sleep Solution

Jeff and I are a little less in shock now about expecting a second baby next year.  DD is 10 months old and will be 18 when our new little bundle of joy arrives.  Since DD has been born we've occasionally allowed her to sleep with us -- what the attachment parenting community refers to as "co-sleeping".  We did it deliberately, as one of the many tools of helping our little girl feel safe and secure in the world.  I think that it helps.  It certainly helped me to go back to sleep more quickly after one of her night wakings.  But the wakings are anywhere from one to three times a night now.  I suspect it is just that she is getting excited about talking and walking- but now that #2 is on the way, I decided it is time to help DD slip better in her crib.  Also, she seemed a bit tired and I wondered if our snoring wasn't waking her on occasion.

So I fell back on one of the books I desperately purchased when she was first born-- Elizabeth Pantley's "The No-Cry Sleep Solution".  (When she was a newborn I mistakenly went on a baby sleep book shopping spree, not realizing that infant night wakings are normal and healthy)  I chose the book in part because it is endorsed by attachment parenting guru, Dr William Sears (he wrote the introduction).

I always wonder if certain books "work".  I've seen in various chat communities that some people say Pantley's suggestions work, but some disagree.  The problem with those posts is that I'm never sure what aspects they tried, how long they tried, what their children's reactions were to each attempt, etc.  So I thought I would blog my experience.  To be honest, though, my primary reason is to hold myself accountable to stick to it for at least 1-2 months (the timeline Pantley suggests is necessary to see change).  I am not a creature of habit by any means, and following a "routine" of any sort just goes against my very nature.  But I know it is good for DD so I will endure, and I will blog to share what I've learned and to emerge myself in the process without giving up prematurely.

So, it began a few days ago as I desperately leafed through the book after DD woke every 2-3 hours all night.  All I could do was read because I was too tired to move.  The first thing Pantley asks is about our motive for changing baby's sleep behavior.  Is it because we think we "have to"?  Are we getting pressure from a well-meaning relative, friend, mentor, etc?  She asks because it is normal for children to have night wakings up until age three (gasp!).  She wants to make sure we are starting this journey for a reason other than peer pressure.  I definately am.  I am doing it to help DD to be more rested, both day and night.  And also, for me to stay sane once I have a second little waking me (well, I should say "waking us", my hubby will be on summer break, thank God!).

Now that I know I have the right motives (i.e. desperation not peer pressure) I read on about the importance of routines.  I've always loved the idea of routines and traditions.  But they have been abstract notions to me, or something to envy in others.  My husband is the master of regularity in all he does.  He never uses the snooze button and awakes like clock-work at the same time each day.  He follows the same morning routine at home and then when he arrives at school.  After work, he has an afternoon routine that he follows...put his belongings away, wash his dishes, make the next day's lunch, etc.  When I was working I often had to make last minute lunch runs to the nearby grocery store to find something healthy.  It wasn't fun being so disorganized, but it is oh-so-hard to change.

Pantley explains that baby's thrive on routine.  They like to know what comes next (has someone asked a baby if this is so?).  I trust that judgment, I suppose.  There is reassurance in knowing what to expect.  So Pantley explains that one of the first steps is to lay out (and follow!) a daytime and nighttime routine.  She gives suggestions but lots of flexibility.  I've decided to make this routine sacred-- nothing can interfere with it with the exception of church and my mom's group-- until DD's sleep improves and we see fewer nightwakings.  Here's what I've started so far.....

Daytime:  First step was to get a semi-regular eating schedule. 
Somewhere between 8 - 9am: Breakfast
Playtime
2-3 hours after wake time, first nap of the day
Wake around noon to one pm.
After half hour of wake time, Lunch.
Playtime until Mom has to leave for work or go on errands (I work 3x per week and drive DD to work where DH picks her up-- she usually naps a bit from 2:45 until 3:30 and this is the only afternoon nap).
6pm or so, dinner.
6:45 or so, bathtime! (my favorite new routine!)  DD LOVES this!
PJ's and then some final playtime while Mom and Dad watch Jeopardy.
8pm Night bottle and rock down in Living Room.

Pantley suggests keeping a log of sleep/eating and then reviewing it every 10 days and tweak if necessary.  I haven't been keeping my log, except in my head.  So I'm going to start today and count out 10 days.  I can already see where I would like to tweak things.  I don't like that she goes to sleep in our arms with the tv on in the background.  As she gets older she's going to want to watch tv and I don't want to let her until she's two-- and even then, it will be a half hour of Mister Rogers a day-- or Blue's Clues as both are "real-time" shows.  Jeopardy, unfortunately, doesn't fit in that plan.  I'm debating the possibility of letting her play in her room.  But that wouldn't work as it would make her room a playtime room.  Hmmmm.  Think I will carry on with the living room fall asleep for the first ten days and then try a revision for the second ten days.  Also, Pantley suggests introducing a "lovey".  This is a blanket or doll that baby can associate with sleep- thus helping her transition from play to rest.  The glitch is that it shouldn't have button eyes- which all of her animals do, including her favorite, The Grinch.  So I'm on the hunt for an eye-less lovey.  And then I'm going to stuff it in my shirt and wear it around so it smells like me.  Sounds like crazy behavior, but I'm willing to be crazy if it means more sleep for both of us! 

Lastly, Pantley has a few pages in which she's written out the essentials of our plan, allowing for some flexibility.  It's more of a pledge than a plan.  I'm going to get that on paper so that for each ten day period I can remind myself and my hubby of what we are doing.  Eventually, this won't be so much work, but second nature-- sort of like, I suspect, training a dog.  But I won't go so far as to call this training.  I don't feel that it is at all.  I think that it is offering my daughter regularity and predictability.  Any person who grew up in chaos will tell you that children probably do thrive on regularity and consistancy.  That's my gift to you little girl.  Hope I can do it.  God help me. (that reminds me, my first step is prayer for God's help!).

For my new son or daughter

Dear Baby,
I've found your song already. I'm so thankful that God has taken the water of my life and turned it into wine by blessing me with your father, sister and now, you. I couldn't ask for more. Stay warm and safe in my womb... we will see you soon my love.
~Mom

These are the days of the endless summer
These are the days, the time is now
There is no past, there's only future
There's only here, there's only now

Oh your smiling face, your gracious presence
The fires of spring are kindling bright
Oh the radiant heart and the song of glory
Crying freedom in the night

These are the days by the sparkling river
His timely grace and our treasured find
This is the love of the One Magician
Turned the water into wine

These are days of the endless dancing and the
Long walks on the summer night
These are the days of the true romancing
When I'm holding you so tight

These are the days by the sparkling river
His timely grace and our treasured find
This is the love of the One Great Magician
Turned water into wine

These are the days now that we must savour
And we must enjoy as we can
These are the days that will last forever
and you've got to hold them, in your heart

These are the Days, Van Morrison

I'm pregnant, we are having another baby!

So I'm still in shock. But just wanted to share this wonderful news. I'll write more once I have some time to process and am brave enough to sit down and fully take this all in!

Ezzo the Unwise

Today, I needed a wee little "mommy break", which I probably don't take often enough. Going to the bookstore, browsing and reading my "Attachement Theory" parenting book sounded attractive. So I headed over to the Borders near us (which unfortunately is one of few area bookstores that never feels "cozy"). I ordered a medium Vanilla Latte from Seattle's Best coffee shop there. It was decaf, of course, as I have been too anxious lately to go full throttle on the coffee. Decaf is my friend. So I grabbed the latte from one of the friendliest baristas ever-- top notch service! Then after appreciating that a minimum wage employee would put so much care into her job, I wandered through the books.

I laughed at the "Book of Useless Information" book that my husband got for Christmas that he read in a one week session. (Laughed in part b/c he read most of it aloud and there was seldom a moment that week when I didn't hear about things such as Heinz 57 refers to Heinz's original 57 varieties of pickles:) I love that info too, but in slightly smaller doses than he enjoys. I checked out some books that claimed to have info on how to easily make sushi at home. After perusing through several I decided it would never be easy and I best wait until I have more free time to take on the task. In other words, let me master having a homemade easy to moderate level meal on the table each night.

Then it caught my eye. The section that I should always skip during my mommy-free time. You guessed it. The parenting section. I was really looking for a book on developmental play for babies six months and up. I didn't find anything but did stumble upon something that initially looked promising. It mentioned making the most of certain times of the day with baby...lunch, naptime, etc. I assumed it was fun ways to help them learn new things, etc. I sat down with my little latte and started reading.

My anxiety level first increased when I read that the book wanted me to teach my six month old to be a morally repsonsible human being. Huh? Even the Catholic church doesn't have kids go to confession until they are in the first grade. What was this author talking about? Well, Mr. Ezzo was talking about scheduled feedings (3 a day and a bottle at night), and scheduled playpen time each day, and scheduled family time each day. Scheduled family time? Who else is my six month old going to hang out with? Does she need that much alone time at her age? Does she need to pencil me in to her busy schedule. Don't get me wrong...of course, she plays by herself, but I'm always near to give her the security she needs to try all these fun new things.

This book thoroughly disturbed me. I kept reading it though, thinking perhaps there was some sense in it-- some wisdom. He mentioned that a happy marriage leads to well-adjusted kids. Okay, I was with him on that. He mentioned that family prayer is good...but at the three scheduled mealtimes of course. (Huh?) What happened to "pray without ceasing?" Izzy and I pray during bathtime! None of the remotely planted seeds of wisdom could make up for what I had already read. It sounded militaristic in its view. Was it time to send my baby off to basic training? Is she old enough that I should stop responding to her needs?

Well, that was anxiety-provoking enough (even though I was drinking decaf coffee) to have me put the book down and leave the store. I thought, I need to get home to my daughter to give her my LOVE before this man talks me out of it! I just wanted to hold her. I later reflected that I somehow must have felt that this Ezzo-man(iac) was going to beat me home and take her away like they do to the kids on the ridiculous show Jerry Springer.

I still was calm enough to stop at the grocery for dinner, though. Then came home to find my husband changing one of her stinkiest dipes ever (gotta love the girl, she seems to always hold onto those ones until it's daddy's turn to change her). Once everything was "de-pooped", Jeff laid down for a nap and Izzy and I played on the floor.

I confess that I half-played b/c my right arm was googling Ezzo while my left was handing her a toy to play with. What I read, from Christian and secular writers alike, was a universal understanding that his approach lacks compassion. Oh, also that he was excommunicated from his church for refusing to follow the elders and then slandering them publicly. It also mentioned he was somewhat estranged from his two adult daughters (really? go figure!).

It all reminded me of one of the father figures in my life. As soon as I was old enough I ran as far away as I could from him. He was good-intentioned, I don't doubt, in his efforts to "train" us well in school and proper behavior. But he left out love. We very clearly never felt loved by him, and we in fact feared him most of the time (as did my friends!) Maybe his parents used Mr. Ezzo's Babywise to raise him, I'm not sure. I have and am working out forgiveness toward him, and working to heal the wounds his messages taught me over the years of not being good enough, or smart, or worthy of love-- unless I was perfect in a task.

But in the meantime, I am going to remember those anti-lessons that he and Mr. Ezzo'S Babywise taught. In experiencing their views and seeing the wrong in them, I've learned to love my child. And I always will, Isabelle. And I will forgive your mistakes, and ask you to forgive mine. And I will hug you. And I will not ask you to be perfect. I will let you explore and learn new things on your own, with my steady hand to guide you if you falter. Dad and I will always be here for you. As your loving grandparents always remind us, we will tell you often, "YOU ARE LOVED."

The tooth monster

Last night was hellish.

I've put the online dictionary definition here in case there's any confusion as to what I mean by

hellish:hell·ish
adj.
1. Of, resembling, or worthy of hell.
2. Highly unpleasant

Yes, "highly unpleasant" hits the nail right on the head. I decided to retire early last night at about 9pm and Jeff soon followed. We woke up at 10 pm to a crying baby. I don't mean her little "I would prefer to get up and have some formula" whimpers, either. This was a real CRY-- rarely heard around these parts.

So I got her up and gave her a bottle, a cold one, figuring it was teething. She ate, cried, ate, cried, ate, cried. So I thought perhaps it was a diaper dilemma. I went in to change her and there was nothing special to report. Some activity, but minor. Since I had free access while changing, I took her temp just in case. The little baby butt thermometer gave me the green light (she's usually a yellow). So her temperature was fine. Relief for me.

I popped a couple "Little Teether" pills in her mouth. They are supposed to dissolve instantly under the tongue-- which is near impossible to achieve with a crying baby (who the hell came up with that idea?). So I watched them float around in her mouth and half-drizzle out as she bawled. Eventually, she either swallowed them or they actually did dissolve. So I went and got a warm bottle (her preference) and she sucked it down, with a little less crying during her breaks. And then she passed out on my chest. Exhausted.

Poor girl. Jeff even came out to help the crying lasted for so long. I expected to have a panic attack after that but I guess I was too tired. So we went back to sleep and at 1:42 am the scene repeated itself (without the poopy diaper this time). When we went to sleep that time, I prayed to God "Okay, I can take two of these a night, but no more tonight please". Fortunately, she slept until usual wakeup time at 6:30 and has returned to her usual self.

I know all of you mama's have been there, done that. And I applaud you. I'm a bit nervous for the days-- nay, NIGHTS ahead.