So Sad

Wow.  I remember talking to a friend who had a miscarriage.  She said she never thought she would ever feel so sad about such a loss.  I'm glad I heard that because today it hit me like a semi-truck.  It was just lingering in the background until I bumped into a woman from my lactation support group from when DD was born.  I came home from the grocery store and started crying because I couldn't find my cell phone.  And I couldn't stop crying.  Hubby helped me put DD to bed and then he and I laid down.  I cried, he rubbed my back, and the two of us fell asleep. 

It feels like we've lost a family member...along with all of our hopes and dreams for that person. 

We didn't plan on getting pregnant so soon after DD.  It would have been a challenge.  But it was one I couldn't wait to take on.  I was looking forward to sorting through old baby clothes, moving the co-sleeper back into our bedroom, and fixing up the guest room to eventually welcome our new lifetime guest.  I had some remorse over things that I didn't get to do before having another baby.  For instance, I wanted to lose all that old baby weight, have a couple drinks with friends, eat some sushi, work on the house, go on vacation, etc.  Most of those little wishes weren't mutually exclusive with having a baby.  Some would just need postponement.  Today, they all feel like stupid insignificant aspirations that were being postponed by something grander. 

Maybe we wouldn't have been able to handle two young kids, so close in age.  Maybe it would have been a financial stress.  Maybe.  But who knows.  Perhaps it was what the doctor described it as... "Not a waste of time".  "A genetic thing that we can't control". All I know is that I still hang on his words that reassured us and made me so thankful I had returned to a Christian medical practice, "You will see your baby one day in heaven". 

He also mentioned that we would feel loss and we will mourn.  So I'm not sure why I'm so surprised.  I mourn the dreams I had.  The rocking, the holding, the loving that I won't get to do with Abigail. 

I just wish, like a child, that I could just feel better right now.  It sucks being sad.  I need to go look up the stages of grief and miscarriage support groups.  I doubt it will speed things along..but at least a group would help me from burying all this sadness and having it crop up later.  And looking stuff up on the computer makes me feel like I'm doing "something".  Maybe it's avoidance.  Maybe.  Wish this mourning stuff were more neat and orderly.  Wish so much that Abigail were here.  Today was the first day that I prayed to God for a miracle-- that we would go into the dr's office on Monday and the heartbeat would be as strong as ever.  Then I would get to nurture this baby in my womb and hug her so tight once she was born.  If it was a "he" we could make his middle name Lazurus.  But there aren't many Lazurus stories.  There are many more of God comforting us in our sorrow.  That reminds me of what Jesus did when he heard that Lazurus had died, and befored he raised him from the dead.  One of the most powerful lines of scripture:  Jesus wept.  There's not much else to add to it.  He wept.  And in doing so he reminded us for all eternity that God weeps with us.  He does not rejoice in our sorrow, or ask us to mask it.  He weeps.  And we are made in His perfect image.  So it is right that we cry too.

John 11:33-36 (New International Version)


33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.
34 "Where have you laid him?" he asked.
"Come and see, Lord," they replied.
35 Jesus wept.
36 Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"